Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
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