FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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