dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
Randomize
