WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
