ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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