Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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