Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
Come share oat with me in your robe
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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