there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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