dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
Randomize
