I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
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