i know ur right I'm sorry I'm stupid and incompitent look I can't even spell incompetent right! Fuck!
When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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