Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Randomize
