And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
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