Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
Randomize
