I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
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