WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Randomize
