The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
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