i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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