Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
