Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize