so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
