I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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