Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
You can't special order awesome
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
Randomize
