you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
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