From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
Randomize
