Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
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