At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Success! We fucked roommates!
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Randomize
