i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
