the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
Randomize
