All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
