Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I was in a gas station that sold tazers and I just saw a billboard that said "Strippers, need we say more?" God I love Georgia!
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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