At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Randomize
