On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
