so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
