we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
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