There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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