End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Randomize
