When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize