I can feel you judging me through the phone.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Randomize
