Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
