After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
