I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Randomize
