smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
babies were throwing up all over the place
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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