Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Randomize
