Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize
