I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
