I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
Randomize
