I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
The only good thing about ohio is that i can get 2 half gallons of soco for 40 bucks
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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