You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
Randomize
