I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
Randomize
