I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
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