worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
you had me at cake vodka
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Randomize
