kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Randomize
