I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
Randomize
