I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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