I met the friendliest cop last night
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
Randomize
