she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Randomize
