Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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