The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
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