I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Randomize
