is your mom at the bar?
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
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